Oh LeBron

I’m currently reading LeBron’s book “Shooting Stars.” Yes, we in NYC really are that fired up hoping he will come to the Knicks. We are conversely also terrified he will come to the Knicks and they will suck the lifeblood out of him because they are terrible in a way that defies standard sports fan allegiance. I mean, The Mets may suck, but they suck in a sadly pathetic to the point of comedy way. The Knicks suck and the entire franchise are dicks about it so, you know, it’s a tough one.

Anyway, all this attention on LeBron’s possible exit from Cleveland had me thinking about how I’ve always followed his career, and how great he was on SNL. He’s like Peyton Manning, great athlete, surprisingly funny, and you want to root for him.

Then I realized that what I really hoped, more than him coming to play in NYC, is that he never lets me down.

Please don’t rape, stab, threaten, shoot, “clean your gun in front of,” or generally abuse anyone LeBron. Don’t cheat on your wife beyond the normal scope of said activity (or at all, but I mean, you’re an athlete, do athlete wives actually expect fidelity, because I wouldn’t and yeah, I’m excessively logical, but even in my daydreams I have always been very aware that a professional athlete was not an option if one wanted a committed relationship, which is one of the reasons I found the trailer for Chili from TLC’s upcoming VH1 show so hilarious. She’s very particular, but she starts to date an athlete, and I’m like, what he needs to be vegetarian and a non-smoker, but he can put his dick in other people, cause that’s what you’ll get. You need to prioritize better Chili, or should I say Rozonda) and make sure to always sign autographs for the kids.

And now look here. A sex scandal. About his mom. Whaaaaaat?!?!


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