In All Honesty

Last week someone asked me if my boyfriend and I fight. The person who asked me this land mine was a young woman I like and respect and who had earlier in the day told me that the serious relationship she had been in for a while just ended. It felt like a land mine because, if I’m honest, then the answer is no, we don’t fight. But on some level that feels like a jerky answer to give.

I often want to write about my relationship. It’s a huge part of my life and a constant in a period of time where my jobs, health, and general identity feel like they’ve been in flux. But I don’t write about it. Not really. And that is because, well, my relationship is awesome! And if reality TV has taught me anything it is that people find conflict compelling, and harmony incredibly boring.

So I paused when I was asked the question…and then I answered truthfully.

I figured that if she was just out of this relationship, and if they fought often, then it would be good to hear that a serious relationship doesn’t have to be that way. I thought of the many friends and acquaintances I see and hear mentioning things about dating that just seem straight up crazy to me. I thought of all the songs that simply do not make sense to me, because I do not know why you’d be in that relationship in the first place, anyone who ever feels the need to check their significant other’s phone or emails!

I also thought about the fact that my boyfriend and I both reacted to the movie (500) Days of Summer by saying different versions of “I can’t imagine anyone who has ever been in a good relationship liking this movie,” because the idea of being with anyone who didn’t like me for who I actually am sounds nuts (Both the characters in that film are annoying, but I find Tom intolerable. If a guy only “loves” you for how he pictures you in his head and because he thinks you’ll solve all his problems, he sucks. You can still love JG-L, but seriously, that guy is a douche in that movie. SUCH A DOUCHE!).

So I’ve decided I will try, TRY, to write the occasional short and honest post, about what it is like to be a youngish weird woman in a healthy almost-six-year relationship. Honestly, people ask me about it constantly. Which I always find surprising. And I hate the way most relationship stuff is written. Let’s see how it goes.



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5 responses to “In All Honesty

  1. Stan

    Daisy, what did she mean by “fight”? Arguments? Loud arguments? Disagreements of any kind? Head knocking and fist slapping? Hard to imagine a close relationship where there were NO strong feelings of intense disagreement. Seems the real telling thing is whether a couple can successfully work through disagreements and still care for and respect one another not where they never have strong disagreements. I have strong disagreements with myself so not having them with another human being in a vloaevrelationahip seems pretty unlikely. Are you saying you and your boyfriend have never had strong disagreements?

    • From the rest of the conversation that I walked into, she meant serious disagreements, often loud.

      My guy and I don’t disagree often, and when we do, it doesn’t becomes a fight. We just talk about it and why. Even when we get short with each other, it’s only really in situations when one of us is exhausted and overworked and we reign it in pretty immediately. For example, one of us night come home from work mad and bang around the apt for a few minutes, but we manage not to take it out on each other.

      We aren’t married yet, though we talk about it all the time. We would be by now if I hadn’t been laid off so many times in the last few years. Now we have to wait for me to finish school, but we feel married, though I’m sure it will become even more real once it’s legal. But I really don’t feel like I could just walk away even if I wanted to (which I don’t). I’ve already intertwined his life with mine in a way I never did with anyone else (even the guy I dated for 4.5 years) and we’ve lived together for over 5 years now.

  2. lizz

    I disagree with Stan a lot. I too am a youngish weird woman in a healthy (two) year relationship and we don’t fight. We don’t even have strong disagreements. Whenever I meet up with my girl friends I am shocked to hear some of their relationship stories! And then once I’ve been told all of their drama and our coffee date is coming to a close, they take a deep breath and ask me, “So how’s Paul?” and it’s always like this because the answer is always the same – he’s great, we’re great, everything’s great. And it’s the truth! We live a life of peace and harmony and it’s boring to almost everyone except us. I really dislike when people say that fighting is necessary in a relationship because then you learn to compromise and learn to listen and respect each other’s opinions blah blah blah but I don’t think fighting provides any opportunity for learning anything worthwhile except maybe that you and the other person don’t jive. I’m so stoked to read what you have to write.

  3. Stan

    Wow. Really, no strong disagreements? Hmm. Maybe the difference is marriage. Now, don’t get “ascared” as my stepmom used to say. I don’t mean to imply that marriage is not a happy thing. I’ve been happily married for almost two years and we dated for three years before that. But marriage is like setting out to sea with you and your first mate/captain and you look over at each other and think — GULP! — can we really make this trip together on the open ocean? The answer? Yup. We can. But is it scary and are the stakes higher than they were when we were dating? Yup. You link your families, you link your finances, you link your household items, your pets. You link your destinies and your futures. All in a way that is part of greater commitment than when we were dating. The commitment is what makes it harder, scarier, and causes two people who are otherwise pretty chill to sometimes look at each other like they’re aliens. At the same time the commitment makes everything sweeter too. This is my boo and its ride or die. Her joys and challenges are my own and mine are hers. But disagreements sometimes? Yup. It’s part of the game. And by the way just to be claro, we’re not high drama. We’re very touchy feely and affectionate and have a natural rapport. Basically, we love and trust one another. Heck, I’m about to sign a big ass insurance policy with her name on the bottom as my beneficiary 😉 .. And Daisy I’m with you on that movie. The whole time I was thinking, “Dude, find a girl that gets you…” PS. I’ve listened to your piece about your brother like three times now …

  4. Also, thanks for listening to the story so much. My above replay was kind of a reply to both. My schedule makes no sense right now so I’m playing a bit of catch up.

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